


Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, But some fluff...at the end, Death, F/M, Heartbreak
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2018-12-15
Packaged: 2019-09-19 11:27:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17000730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: The worst loss you had ever experienced was when you lost the man…the angel, you loved.  You remember how much he meant to you, how much you meant to him.  And today…today was the day you had to say goodbye. Inspired by the song from Phantom of the Opera.





	1. Chapter 1

_You were once my one companion, you were all that mattered._

You stared down at the picture as tears fell from your eyes.  There you were, smiling in the picture.  You couldn’t remember the last time you smiled like that.  In your arms was a small child.  Your son, Luka.  _His_ son. 

 

You’re heart ached as you looked at him.  His blonde hair shining in the sun, his warm whiskey colored eyes lit up in laughter as he tried to hold the camera steady.  He said he wanted a picture of the three of you to carry around with him.  This one was it.  The creases from where he had folded it up in his pocket proved that. 

_You were once a friend and father, then my world was shattered._

Gabriel was your guardian angel, your best friend, your husband.  He was your son’s father.  And now…he was gone. 

 

When you got the call from Sam and Dean, you screamed.  You broke down, threw the phone against the wall after you called them lairs, cruel, for saying such a thing.  Two days later, they showed up, this photo in their hands.  That was how you knew.  That was how your world broke into a million pieces.

_Wishing you were somehow here again, wishing you were somehow near._

You sat in the car as you closed your eyes.  If only he was still here.  If only he would just pop in, like he used to do.  He would hold you close, tell you it was all just a bad dream.  He would pull out one of those stupid suckers from his pocket and hold it up to you, with some bad joke about if you didn’t want to suck that…he had something else you could suck.

 

You couldn’t help but smile at the joke.  He said that stupid joke every single time he offered one to you.  And he offered you one at least twice a day.  You used to joke that he didn’t run from heaven, he was kicked out for bad behavior.  Your face fell again as the tears fell down your face.

_Sometimes it seemed if I just dreamed, somehow you would be here._

You closed your eyes, seeing his eyes stare back at you.  If you let yourself go, you could feel his arms around you.  His soft kiss against your neck.  The smell of his jacket.

 

When you were at home, you would hear a sound, almost like he was walking down the hall.  Or down the stairs.  But he was never there.  Only in your dreams was he ever really there.  But even then…it was just a dream.

_Wishing I could hear your voice again, knowing that I never would._

Sometimes, if it was just the right phrase, you could hear his voice, calling out to you.  “Hiya, sweet cheeks.”  “Way to go.  This is why we can’t have nice things…" “On a scale of one to the toaster incident…how mad would you be if I…” 

 

It had to be the right phrases, to hear his voice.  But the one that was reserved for the hardest times…  “I love you.”  You heard his voice say that in your ear, almost like a whisper.

_Dreaming of you won't help me to do all that you dreamed I could._

“Mommy?”  Luka asked, pulling you from your illusion. 

 

“I know sweetie.”  You said as you held him close, kissing his head.  Your poor boy had tears running down his face as well. 

 

You had to stop doing this.  You had to stop letting yourself go to that place, your special dreams of Gabriel, at least in front of Luka.  At least until you could do it and not cry.  You weren’t the only one who lost him…you had to be there for your son. 

 

“Alright, buddy.  We can do this, okay?”  You asked as you stepped out of the car, taking his hand and leading him down the path. 

_Passing bells and sculpted angels, cold and monumental, seem for you the wrong companions. You were warm and gentle._

You made your way through the cemetery, leading your son.  The Winchesters had arranged it.  A proper burial spot for your angel, somewhere you and your son could go to be with him.  It was a kind gesture, but at the same time, you hated it.  You hated it because now, you no longer had a reason to hope.  No more hope that it was all a dream, a mistake. 

 

You walked past a cement statue of an angel and shook your head.  Everything here seemed wrong.  Wrong for Gabriel.  It was all so cold, unfeeling.  It wasn’t where Gabriel would be.  He was too full of life, to happy.  This place wasn’t right…

_Too many years fighting back tears, why can't the past just die?_

You stopped before a headstone at the edge of the cemetery.  Your son squeezed your hand as you stared at the large block of granite.  Tears fell down your face. 

 

“Momma?  What does it say?”  Your four year old asked.

 

You choked on air as you tried to speak.  It took a few tries, but you managed to get it out.  “Here lies Gabriel.  Angel. Friend. Husband. Father.”  You chuckled sadly as you read the last line.  “He always had a line, that damn trickster.” 

 

You were sure that was from Dean.  You looked down when you felt your son wrap his arms around your leg.  “He’s not coming back this time, is he Momma?” 

_Wishing you were somehow here again, knowing we must say goodbye._

You looked up to the sky as you sent a prayer.  You sent it straight to God himself.  You prayed he would hear you, just his once.

 

_Please…Just…Just give us one more day.  Let us…please let us say goodbye…_

 

There was silence as your tears fell.  You knew no one was listening…not anymore.  You just wanted to wrap him in your arms again.  You wanted your son to say good night to him, ask him for one more story.  You wanted one more kiss, one more laugh, one more night…one more chance to tell him how much you loved him. 

_Try to forgive, teach me to live, give me the strength to try._

You knelt down to your son and wrapped him up in your arms as you cried.  Your son sobbed into your shoulder as well.  Each of you knew that you wouldn’t see Gabriel again.  You had lost him in the fight against his brother.  He wasn’t coming back. 

 

You held your son close as you prayed to heaven to give you strength.  The strength you needed to go on.  The strength your son needed.  You knew your life would never be the same, but you needed strength.  Strength to live a life without Gabriel by your side. 

_No more memories, no more silent tears.  No more gazing across the wasted years._

You took deep breaths, getting yourself under control as you felt a warm shine through you.  It eased your aching heart and allowed your tears to stop.  Looking up, you saw Castiel standing there, with the Winchesters on each side. 

 

You knew that Cas had heard your prayer, your want for strength.  And you knew that he and the Winchesters would watch over you and your son in Gabriel’s absence.  You nodded to them as you lifted your son up into your arms and then stepped forward to the headstone.

_Help me say goodbye._

“It’s time, buddy.”  You said softly, pushing the long blonde hair from your son’s face.  He looked up to you with those whiskey eyes, the eyes he got from his father.

 

“I’m sad, Mommy…” 

 

“I know.  But we can do this together, okay?”  You smiled at him as you reached out and put a hand on Gabriel’s headstone.  Your son followed your example, placing a small hand on the stone. 

 

“Goodbye, Gabriel.”  You said, your heart aching again.

 

“Goodbye, Daddy.”  Your son said as he began to weep again.  You pulled him back into your arms as you stepped away.  Your son cried into your shoulder for a few moments as you walked with the Winchesters to get back to the Impala.  “Mommy, can we come back to see daddy again?” 

 

You looked down at your son with a smile.  “I think he would like that.”  You pulled the photo out of your pocket and handed to Luka.  “Why don’t you hang onto this, okay?”  He nodded as he held the picture close, as if it were a precious object.  And to the two of you, it was.  It was the last thing you had left…of _him_. 


	2. Chapter 2

You and Luka made sure to visit Gabriel’s grave every Sunday.  Where normal families went to church, or had morning breakfast, you and your son would instead walk to the back corner of the cemetery and talk with your lost love. 

 

Luka seemed to know that his father was gone, but it didn’t stop him from trying to carrying on a conversation with him.  As you sat and leaned against the headstone, just like you would have leaned against Gabriel himself, your son talked and talked away.

 

“And ‘den, Uncle Sammy put glue on Uncle Dean’s bottle.  It gots stuck to his hand!”  Your son dissolved into laughter as he recounted the Winchester’s prank war to his missing father. 

 

You could only smile as you added in…  “Yea, your son is becoming quite the prankster…can’t imagine who he gets that from.”  You rolled your eyes with a smile as Luka grinned up at you.  His familiar eyes and smile, they were just like Gabriel’s.  Part of you loved it, but another part of you just wanted to cry, but you never did.  After saying goodbye last time, you swore you wouldn’t cry in front of Luka like that again.  He needed you to be strong.

 

“I tought that I could do something…like…maybe put glue in Uncle Sam’s sheets!  Then he would gets all stuck!”  Luka beamed at the other side of the stone.  It seemed every time Luka came and sat down to talk, he always picked a spot that was designated as ‘Daddy’s spot’, where he would always look to when he talked. 

 

“Oh, no!”  You said, hearing your son began to plot his way into the trickster role that was left empty by Gabriel.  “No pranks!”  You said with a smile.  If he was anything like his father, you knew that it was a slippery slope and no stopping the pranks once they began.

 

“But Daddy thinks it’s funny!”  He pouted, crossing his arms over his chest.

 

You had to fight back the tears as you shot a look over to the empty spot your son was talking with.  “Don’t encourage him, Gabriel.”  You voice was soft and filled with heartbreak.  You knew he wasn’t really there, but how could you explain that to your four year old. 

 

000

 

You walked down the path and gave a sad smile when you saw the headstone.  You maneuvered yourself to lean against it, just like you did every Sunday.  Today was a Tuesday, but it was a special day that you knew Gabriel would have wanted to be a part of. 

 

“Luka started his first day of school today.”  You swallowed hard as you fought back the tears, even giving a big huff.  “He was so excited, he even slept in his clothes for the day.”  You chuckled as you remembered the argument with your son the night before, trying so hard to get him into pajamas. 

 

“It’s amazing all the crap they make them bring.  Poor kid fell over when I put his backpack on.  Granted…I think it was the random stuff Sam and Dean put in his bag.”  You shook your head, you could almost hear Gabriel say ‘what did those idiots do?’

 

“Sam said he needed extra stuff, pencils, paper, folders…you know, nerd stuff.  Dean on the other hand, decided that he needed ‘cooler’ stuff if he was going to be a ladies man…oh, I hope he isn’t, dealing with Dean is hard enough.  But Dean put in some little knick knacks and toys to share with the other kids, to make friends.  Oh…and just in case he doesn’t make friends…Crowley gave him a hell hound.  Cause life wasn’t challenging before, let’s throw an invisible dog into the mix.”

 

You pressed against the stone a bit harder and imagined your angel wrapping his arm around you, pulling you close, saying ‘Our little boy is growing up.’  You had gotten good at almost hearing his voice in your head. 

 

“I miss you, baby.  So does Luka…”

 

000

 

You followed behind your son with a scowl on your face as Luka ran in front of you.  He was in second grade now…and you just had to come here.  Luka did something bad and you told him, ‘what would your father think?’  His response was… ‘Daddy would have been happy I did it.’ 

 

So…here you were, to settle an argument with the seven year old, at Gabriel’s grave on a Thursday, after the school told you to take your son home because of his behavior.

 

Luka sat down next to the plot as you sat on the edge of the headstone.  “Go on…tell him.”  You said flatly. 

 

Luka’s eyes were unsure as he looked at you, then down to the ground.  “Dad…I did something at school.  Mom doesn’t like it, but I knew you would be okay with it.”

 

“Oh, I really don’t like it.  What were you thinking?”  You said, getting ready to go on another tangent, but you stopped yourself.  Your son wanted to plead his case, that was what you were here to do, and you hoped that being here would help you calm yourself and try not to be too hard on your son.

 

“He was being mean to Sarah!”  Your son let out.  “He pushed her down, Dad!  He called her names, he made her cry!” 

 

“Then you tell a teacher, Luka.  We have talked about this.”  You said softly. 

 

“They wouldn’t do anything, cause they didn’t see.  But I did.  So…”

 

“Tell him.”  You said, motioning to the headstone as you sighed. 

 

“So…Johnny was being mean, made Sarah cry…I like Sarah, she is nice and my friend…so, I kinda…made his pudding cup explode.”

 

“And.”  You deadpanned.

 

“Broke his chair when he tried to sit down.”

 

“And.”  You gritted out.  The tricks you could handle.  Didn’t like them, but you had to pick and choose your battles right now.  No one would know that from across a room your son had done those things…but this next one was what you were really mad about.

 

“He was still being mean to Sarah at recess.  He was yelling and then pushed her…so I…so I hit him.” 

 

You shook your head as you watched your son’s eyes fall to a spot right next to him.  Even as he got a little older, he still picked that one spot where he trained his eyes to go at each visit to ‘talk’ to his father.

 

But this time was different.  Luka looked like he was listening.  Like someone was talking to him.  You watched as he nodded his head and sighed, then got up and walked over to you and hugged you.  “I’m sorry, Mom.” 

 

A look of shock filled your face as your son sniffled.  “Oh, Luka.”  You kneeled down and looked him in the eyes as you wiped away his tears.  “It’s okay.  But next time…no tricks, no grace, no violence…just words, okay?” 

 

Your son nodded as he wrapped his arms around your neck, squeezing you tight.

 

000

 

Visits to Gabriel’s grave had happened at least one a week.  Every Sunday was guaranteed, but sometimes things came up that required a second visit.  Like when Luka got his first report card, excelling in every subject.  Or when Luka’s grace developed to the point where he could fly…that was a scary morning. 

 

Throughout your and Luka’s life, your visits continued.  When Luka graduated from grade school, when he graduated from high school.  He brought his girlfriend from college to meet his Dad.  Then his fiancé, same girl, but he wanted to officially introduce her as his future wife.  And then you went the night after your son’s wedding. 

 

That one was the hardest.  You had just given your baby boy away, but you knew that he found someone to love, just like you loved Gabriel.  Maybe that was why it was so hard, because it reminded you of what you had lost.  But you made it through, with this feeling that something was always right next to you, lifting your spirits when you had a moment of sadness. 

 

The visits continued…until it was just Luka that came to the grave site, on a grey and drab morning.

 

“Hey, dad.”  He choked out.  “I guess you won’t be alone anymore, will you.  Tomorrow is the day.”  Tears ran down Luka’s face.  His eyes stayed locked onto a spot just above the headstone.  “Can you just…if you can…make it a nice, beautiful day…for Mom.

 

The next day, Luka, his wife, his son, named Gabriel, Sam and Dean Winchester, Castiel, and Crowley…all stood at the site and stared down at the headstone that now read:

 

Here lies Gabriel and Y/N.

Angel and Human.

Friend and Sister.

Husband and Wife.

Father and Mother.

He always had a line, that damn trickster.

And she always had an amazing comeback.

 

The sky was clear, a beautiful hue of baby blue.  A slight breeze cooled the summer air, allowing anyone who was there to be comfortable as they stood around, recounting happy moments they shared with both you and Gabriel. 

 

000

 

You opened your eyes and saw you outside your house.  The house you had left so many years ago.  Was this a dream?  You thought to yourself.  There was some sounds coming from inside, so you slowly walked up to the door and swung it open.

 

“Hello?”  You called out.  It was then that a thought hit you.  Right before you fell asleep, you were with Luka…saying goodbye…you took a ragged breath…you were dead.  Looking down, you could see you were a bit different.  You caught yourself in a reflection, you looked younger…

 

“Hey there, baby.”  You heard a voice.  You snapped your head up and saw a sight you never thought you would see again.  “I have missed you, so much.” 

 

“G-Gabriel?!”  You didn’t second guess, you just ran in to his arms, throwing yourself into him, sobbing.  “What?  How?”

 

“Where do you think souls go when they die, sugar?” He sighed as he squeezed you close to him.  “I have been here, waiting for you.  I was beginning to think you were gonna live forever…”  He whined, but you knew he was happy you were here, and a bit sad since it meant you had died. 

 

You let out a chuckle as you buried your head into his neck.  “I missed you, so much.  Luka and I both did.”

 

“Shhh…”  He spoke as he pulled you back.  He ran his thumbs over your cheeks, pushing the tears away as he stared down at you.  “We are together now, that’s all that matters.”  He leaned down and captured your lips in a kiss. 

 

It was just like no time had passed.  You melted into his body and ran your fingers through his hair.  “I love you.”  He whispered against your lips.

 

“I love you, too.”  You said in response.  “We went to see you, every week.”  You said with a smile.  Sure, you had died, and you were heartbroken that your son had to go on without you…but at the same time…you had the love of your life back. 

 

“I know you did.  I was there.” 

 

“Wh…what?”  Gabriel chuckled at your surprised face.  He wrapped an arm around your waist and snapped his fingers. 

 

The scenery changed and you found yourself at the grave site.  You saw your name added to the polished marble.  You saw all of your family standing around, sharing stories about you and Gabriel.  “What…how?”

 

“Dad said he couldn’t bring me back…but he could give me this.”  He said to you. 

 

You saw Luka shift in his spot, giving his wife a kiss as he stepped closer to the headstone.  “Hey Dad, hey Mom.” 

 

Tears filled your eyes as you realized, your son was looking right at you.  “You could see him all along.  You…you really were here.” 

 

Gabriel nodded as your son let some tears fall.  “I’m gonna miss you, but I’ll make sure that me and Gabe visit each Sunday…okay?” 

 

You nodded as you looked over to your grandson.  “Can he see us too?” 

 

“No…I think the grace is too weak in him.  But that’s okay.  I’ll tell him whatever you like.” 

 

You smiled and reached out a hand to lay it on your son’s arm.  “I love you.  I love all of them…”  You nodded as Gabriel pulled you back.

 

“We will head out now.  See you soon?”  Luka nodded with a smile.

 

With another snap, you were back in your heaven, wrapped up in Gabriel’s arm.  “We have a lot of time to make up for…what do you say?”  Gabriel gave his eyebrows a little wiggle, making you laugh.

 

“Oh, sweetie.  I forgot how much of a sex deviant you were.”  You wrapped your arms around his neck as he lifted you bridal style and made his way up the stairs.  You knew that heaven held happiness…but you never knew how much until this day. 


End file.
